Codependency - Here's What I Have Learned

I used to know someone who had an addictive personality.

He chose to deal with things by relying on something to ease the pain of life, depression, suicidal tendencies and while doing so, it helped him deal with my co-dependency.  We both were aware of his issues and I always thought I was the one to live with the burden of his addiction.  I felt so much love for him that I made his problems mine, because both of us took on each others pain, depression, etc.  In a healthy relationship, when one is down, the other is there to lift them back up and help them see things differently.  We did not function that way.  

I found myself so tired of taking on his emotions and trying to walk on egg shells to keep him from going over the edge.  Things that bothered me were not talked about, I learned to keep them in.  Too long of doing this causes resentment and detachment.

What I haven't mentioned is that, he never asked me to take these things on.  There is no fault or blame today.  I struggled silently with my own pain and depression and, unknowingly, my own co-dependency.  It's so much easier to avoid your own issues when you are so focused on making someone else better and then resenting them for their mistakes.

If you are like me and have misconceptions or are unsure of what it means to be codependent, let me give you it's meaning:

A codependent person is one who has let another

person's behavior affect him or her, and who is

 obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

So all those times that I prided myself on being a caring, compassionate, empathetic person, I was taking it a little too far.  I worried so much about trying to do the right thing in my relationship and for my kids, that I just needed to step back and let the man that I still, to this day love, handle his own shit!

Article Share: 4 Reasons Honest Men Give To End It

Because I recently went through a divorce, I of course subscribed to all sorts of blogs and websites to help me through the pain that a break-up can cause.  With that, some articles that I have read are helpful and I thought I would share one that I read this evening.

It is from the website, Relationship Rules . The article is titled: 4 Reasons Honest Men Give To End It.  This is written by "A", one of the co-founders of the website.

This article spoke to me because it is about being with someone who chooses to be honest about their feelings, about why they feel their relationship is not working, and being a grown-up and facing uncomfortableness.  I believe that honesty is really the key point that I think too many people are afraid of.  It's easier to either sweep problems under the rug, avoid conflict or just continue to not be a happy person in the relationship.

Back to the article.  I feel these reasons are about the behavior in which an honest man displays, not necessarily the reason they give to their partner.

Reason #1 an honest man gives to end it: They want everything on the table.  "A" describes that part of this has to do with not placing blame on just one person and that if you talk about all issues, the couple will realize that it is just not "one person's fault".

Reason #2 an honest man gives to end it: They don't like the blame game. Accepting fault is a true quality of an honest man.  I agree with this statement.  SOME men live with blinders about how "wonderful" their relationship is, when all the while they are unhappy and are too afraid to admit it.  This might lead to conflict and having to face fears and issues.

Reason #3 an honest man gives to end it: They care for you to have closure.  "A" says that an honest guy will always have the guts to say goodbye and they will not just disappear from facing the problem. They would never leave you hanging in between thinking what went wrong and where.  Personally, I would have appreciated this happening in one of my relationship break-ups.  Instead, being left with anger and hurt and never getting to "hash" things out and "deal" with issues has left me angry.

Reason #4 an honest man gives to end it: They respect you, still. They will never disrespect the good memories you had by leaving like a coward or like someone who wanted to run away. They will respect the fact that there are a few explanations to be given and few to be listened to.  This is SPOT on!!!

Check out the article at Relationship Rules

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason.

Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.
Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

Most importantly, if you LOVE someone tell him or her, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store.

And learn a lesson in life each day that you live.

That's The Story Of Life.

~ Unknown

Review: The Week The Women Went

Have you watched the new Tuesday night, Lifetime reality series, The Week The Women Went?  I have and I think the concept is a GREAT idea.

Lifetime is following the town of Yemassee, South Carolina as they participate in a daring social experiment.  For one week, all of the women, 18 years old and up, will leave the small town and go to a remote location, one which they don't even know about ahead of time.  The thought is that with all of the women gone, the men and children will need to see if they can perform daily tasks and survive without their "women" to take care of them.

The first episode, very dramatically, shows all of the women in town, walking for what seemed like miles, lugging suit cases behind them down a long road.  It was eerie the way they did this.  It almost reminded me of what I imagine the old leper colonies did back in the middle ages.  Although the women are leaving their loved ones behind, most seemed very excited to get away and have "me" time.  And "me" time was exactly what they got as they all left town on a train and later arrived at a beautiful, tropical resort.  It seems all they will have to worry about is which bathing suit to wear and how many fruity drinks they can consume.  However, get a bunch of women together for a long (or even short) period of time and you can only imagine what kind of drama will prevail. 

Yemassee is a small community where everyone knows everyone.  Many of the women featured run businesses and families which will be left behind for their spouses and teen-age children to maintain and run.  From full-time working dads of twins to a 21-year old fire chief who will miss his mom (who hasn't cut the apron strings) and new fiance, there are many challenges ahead for these families.  I found it amusing that several of the dads of young children decided to move in together while the women were gone.  They figured they would do better handling the kids as a team.  Also, a 24-year old Marine is now responsible for his 31-year old girlfriend's teen-age daughters and tween son.  Boy, do they take advantage of him.  His girlfriend is pretty hot, but she may not be hot enough to keep him after all of this.  And who can forget the 4-year old "grown-up" little girl, Ellie Kate, who demands her coffee every morning.  Wow, is she a character.  It will be interesting to see how her dad copes with her precociousness.  This is also the dad who has been put in charge of coordinating a kid's beauty pageant while the women are gone. 

I look forward to watching this series and I hope you get a chance to watch it too!






 

Keeping The Big, Bad Wolf Away

Now days, it seems like everything we do is done online.  We talk to Grandma in Colorado, we send flowers to our pregnant sister, check our bank balance and pay our bills all via the world wide net.  Sooner or later, a "big, bad wolf" will try to come along and put a damper on your life by hacking into one of your accounts and obtaining access to everything simply by figuring out your password and log in.  

There are several ways that you can protect yourself from this happening to you.  Here are just a few:

1.  Use different user names and passwords for each account.  Could you imagine if someone got a hold of the log in that you use for all of your accounts?  I know, it's tough to remember each log in for each site, that's why I have a spreadsheet with all the information stashed away securely in my home.  If someone breaks in, well, that's a whole other story.....

2.  Change your passwords often.  This should be done every couple months.

3.  Obtain a credit card that you use just for making online purchases.  This way, if that card is compromised, you can shut it down quickly.

4.  Check your credit report often.  This will give you an idea if anyone is using your identity.  There are even some credit reporting companies that offer a free credit report.

5.  Secure your computer with updated virus protection, firewalls and all that "techy" stuff.  You never know when someone is trying to get in....

Taking A Chance

There comes a time in all of our lives when we have to agree to take a chance on something. It may be that we buy that dollar lottery ticket, drink the milk that's expired or drive a different route to work. Regardless, we are taking a chance on change, newness and the un-known and with that, we have to TRUST.

How far are we willing to go to trust our instincts? We may trust our health our finances or our reputation and so on. But what happens when we decided to trust our heart????? Hmmmmm..... that's a tough one. No matter how well we know ourselves, our heart has it's own agenda and doesn't always listen to logic.

Your heart may have been taken out, thrown to the ground, stomped on and broken. You may have felt that you would never be able to use it again. And, as time goes on, you have to learn to let it live, breath and trust. It's one of the most difficult things in the world to do. And, when you are face-to-face with the person who abused your heart and they are asking if they can help fix what they did to it and nurture it back to health, are you willing to take that chance?