Codependency - Here's What I Have Learned

I used to know someone who had an addictive personality.

He chose to deal with things by relying on something to ease the pain of life, depression, suicidal tendencies and while doing so, it helped him deal with my co-dependency.  We both were aware of his issues and I always thought I was the one to live with the burden of his addiction.  I felt so much love for him that I made his problems mine, because both of us took on each others pain, depression, etc.  In a healthy relationship, when one is down, the other is there to lift them back up and help them see things differently.  We did not function that way.  

I found myself so tired of taking on his emotions and trying to walk on egg shells to keep him from going over the edge.  Things that bothered me were not talked about, I learned to keep them in.  Too long of doing this causes resentment and detachment.

What I haven't mentioned is that, he never asked me to take these things on.  There is no fault or blame today.  I struggled silently with my own pain and depression and, unknowingly, my own co-dependency.  It's so much easier to avoid your own issues when you are so focused on making someone else better and then resenting them for their mistakes.

If you are like me and have misconceptions or are unsure of what it means to be codependent, let me give you it's meaning:

A codependent person is one who has let another

person's behavior affect him or her, and who is

 obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

So all those times that I prided myself on being a caring, compassionate, empathetic person, I was taking it a little too far.  I worried so much about trying to do the right thing in my relationship and for my kids, that I just needed to step back and let the man that I still, to this day love, handle his own shit!

The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman

I am reading an interesting book that I have been meaning to read for the last few years.  I purchased it in hopes of learning more about relationships and to help me better understand exactly what makes me and others "tick".

Author, Gary Chapman, explains in his book that there are 5 Love Languages.  I have mentioned them below along with some of my own comments and insights:

1. Words of Affirmation: People like to be complimented, praised and encouraged.  They like to hear kind words that help build them up and make them happy.  They don't like to hear demanding words.  Focus on how important words are.
2. Quality Time: Loved ones enjoy spending time with each other.  They appreciate your full attention and interest.  They like to experience fun adventures or quiet times with you.  Dialogue is important to keep things interesting.
3. Receiving Gifts:  Some people feel love when they are taken care of and given gifts.  Gifts can be visual symbols of love and show that someone was thinking of you.  This is derived from the marriage ceremony when rings are exchanged.  Some feel this act is very important.
4. Acts of Service: Having someone do something that you would like them to do is another way of feeling loved.  Having a meal cooked, pants hemmed, laundry cleaned, are all examples of service.  Personally, I feel that this is most men.  Men like to be taken care of and this came from the care that was given to them by their mothers.  It's important to remember that requests give direction on how to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
5. Physical Touch:  Touching is not limited to one localized are of the body.  Tiny tactile receptors are located throughout the body.  When those receptors are touched or pressed, nerves carry impulses to the brain.  The brain interprets these impulses and we perceive that the thing that touched us is warm or cold, hard or soft.  It causes pain or pleasure.  Some people feel love at the hands of another which is why some enjoy casual flings and one night stands.

I think that many people, like myself, feel loved with each of these languages and not just one.  However, there is usually one that is more important that another, and that is what should be focused on in your relationship.

What is your language of love?

Share: Great Article on Breaking Up

From The Change Blog

Writer Rachael Ann Mare writes about how a breakup taught her to relax and be herself.  I wanted to share this with you because I think it is a great story.  Although it has a happy ending, sometimes we don't get the girl/guy back.  Because I am going through a breakup, I found this very inspiring at least knowing that I WILL find "me".

I will share a few bits from the article.  You can read Rachael's story directly at: How A Breakup Taught Me To Relax And Be Myself


"..I thought I would be over it, or at least feel okay. I wasn’t, and I didn’t.  I had tried to be friends with him. I had tried to not be friends with him.  I cried a lot either way."


"When we first broke up, I spent an embarrassing amount of time reading Internet articles about how to get your ex back." 


"If I wanted him back, most of the books said, I couldn’t let him see how much I hurt. I had to be out there having a great time."


"I had this idea of how I was “supposed” to deal with the breakup “in order to” get him back, and it was killing me.  Instead of actually focusing on me, I let my wanting to control him—to make him come back—get the better of me, and I focused on him and how he was going to respond to what I was doing instead of on my own needs and feelings."

"I remembered all the things about our relationship that didn’t work for me.  I focused on work, on launching my blog and website and doing scads of writing, and I loved it.  I could never do all that while obsessing over his next move.  I stopped needing a relationship and started looking for someone who complemented my life."


~This is a good story, check it out: Go to The Change Blog to read

It's okay to dream.....

Thursday's Relationship Thought

Life doesn’t always introduce you to the people you want to meet. Sometimes life puts you in touch with the people you need to meet – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to gradually strengthen you into the person you were meant to become.
— Unknown

from Positive Thoughts and More

Positivity - It's All In How You Look At Things

I get notifications from a page I like on Facebook, Power Of Positivity.  They have all sorts of great stories and hint/tips for living a positive life.  One story in particular caught my attention and I wanted to share the main message.

Sometimes, something bad happens to us or someone we love and all we can focus on is the tragedy of things or negativity toward the situation.

"There was a story of a man who was working in a convenience store one evening.  He was not supposed to work that night, but the manager asked him to cover the shift.  While all was going as expected, a masked man came into the store and demanded money from the clerk.  Although the clerk did nothing to provoke the robber, he was beaten severely.  

After being rushed to the hospital, the young man was put through a series of tests, including a CAT scan.  This evening was a horrible experience for the clerk and he could not help but think about why this happened to him.  He was angered and resentful for what he had been put through.

Moments later, the doctor came in to discuss the test results.  The CAT scan showed that the victim of the beating actually had a brain tumor that was luckily caught in time.  Because it was found so early in its stage, it was operable and later removed.  They had said that if it had not been caught, he would have went to sleep one night and not be able to wake up. Although the situation was devastating, it actually saved this man's life."

How many things have happened to you that you later realized happened for a reason?  I know I have had a lot of turmoil throughout my life and when I look back, I see why and what I needed to learn from the situation.  I have tried to change my way of thinking about bad stuff, and have tried to look for the lesson.

My Grandmother was 85 years old and got around very good for being in her eighties.  She walked to the grocery store daily and cleaned house all week long.  One day, she was taking the garbage can to the curb when she stumbled and fell.  She was taken to the doctor.  The doctor had a concern about what made her fall.  No one thought anything of it.  However, after running tests, the doctor found that she had stage four cancer.  The strong, stubborn woman that I had known all of my life decided at that moment to give up. She withdrew from all of us, didn't want to talk to anyone and didn't want to do anything.  She also quit eating and drinking.  She basically shut down.  Several months later, my Grandma passed away.  

Now, I am not saying that how she chose to live out her final days was wrong.  In fact, I could not imagine what it would be like to learn of such a horrible disease ending my life.  However, I believe the negative situation and the way she handled it shortened her life dramatically.  And all of this happened because she fell while taking the garbage out.

In summary, things are not always as they seem.  And to sound very cliche' - everything happens for a reason.  It's not what is happening, it is how you handle it.

Visit The Power of Positivity  website to read all of their wonderful stories and insights.

Hello Again!

Well, it's been just a little bit since we have seen each other.  In fact, the time flies pretty fast now days.  Work is super busy, kids are growing quickly, school is almost half way over and Christmas is approaching.  With all that being said, is it okay if I try my hardest to NOT feel guilty that I am relaxing today?

Love,

Me

Everything is "SUPER"

You use them everyday (unless you are a recluse and you never do any communicating).  You use them to modify a noun (person, place or thing) - YES, I am talking about ADJECTIVES.  These little sentence helpers help to draw attention to our listeners.

It seems that I have an "adjective" of the month, which I don't know how I got stuck on, that is: SUPER.  I find myself using it to describe just about anything I like.  I find myself using this word almost to the degree of being annoying (ever felt like that?).  So, I thought it would be interesting to share some adjectives with you in hopes that YOU TOO can make some attention grabbing sentences :)

Today's word is:
 
HAPPY: 

1.  Blessed
2.  Blissful
3.  Chipper
4.  Cheerful
5.  Delighted
6.  Elated
7.  Gay
8.  Jolly
9.  Merry
10. Thrilled

The next time someone asks you, "How are you today?" reply with one of these.

Review: A Few Email Subscriptions That I Have

Well, HELLO there!  It's been a little while.....Life, job, kids, family, you've heard all the excuses.

I have been cleaning up my email inbox and realized that I have a lot of subscriptions to websites that I simply am not interested in anymore (I am sure that I can speak for many of us).  I came across several that I really look forward to reading and I thought I would share them with you:

 

Be Happy  (www.behappy.me) - This website is filled with great, motivational quotes including the one above.  They are laid out in a poster format and are available for purchase if you want to hang them up or you can copy and paste them for free as computer backgrounds, greeting cards, etc.  What I really like is that you can use these as Facebook covers and the website even prepares them for you and all you have to do is connect through Facebook and upload.

This is an example of an email that I received:

To live, love, and be happy, forevermore, Jennifer, just decide to be from this moment forward.

Tallyho,
    The Universe

I receive these cool emails from Mike Dooley by signing up on his website Tut (Letters From The Universe) (www.tut.com).  These "Notes From The Universe" are super cool and really resonate with whatever is going on currently in my life.  Plus, it's neat to feel that the Universe is talking directly to me.  The founder of the website, Mike Dooley, is a philosophical master who founded Adventurers Club on the Internet that's now home to over 500,000 members from over 185 countries.  He writes inspirational books and he is one of the teachers in the international bestseller The Secret.

Who doesn't have Facebook?  If you don't, disregard this information.  However, if you are like me and enjoy telling the world what's going on in your life, sharing pictures with family, catching up with classmates, you will get a kick out of this next share:

Everyday Me  (www.everyday.me)

I love getting emails that remind me what was going on in MY life years ago.  In our busy lives, it's hard to remember, but with this cool app through Itunes, I get a reminder of the posts that I made years ago from my Facebook timeline.

Everyday.me is a smart timeline journal to capture all your life moments, including your activities across the web.

• Private by default - Collect every thought privately and safely.
• Never lose anything - Everything is backed up online.
• Capture the moment - Photos, Videos, Emotions, Tags, Search, and more.
• Where were you a year ago? Find out with our "Blast from the Past".

Future Me  (www.futureme.org)

I LOVE THIS WEBSITE!!!!  Many years ago I found this and decided to send a letter to my "future" self.  I wrote a letter to be read one year later.  As the months passed, I forgot all about this letter.  To my surprise, one year later, I received an email from myself.  It was a little Erie reading it 365 days later but as I read on, I thought about how cool it was to see how much my life had changed in that year's time.  I decided to this every year after that and have also begun sending these letters to my loved ones so that they too get a message from me.  Who knows, maybe after my time on earth is through, my loved ones will still get to hear from me (I know, a little morbid, but SO cool).

From their website:    "So send your future self some words of inspiration. Or maybe give 'em swift kick in the pants. Or just share some thoughts on where you'll or what you'll be up to in a year, three years...more? And then we'll do some time travel magic and deliver the letter to you. FutureYou, that is."

Well, this wraps up my post.  I hope you explore the various, cool email subscriptions that I enjoy using and I know you will too!