Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Codependency - Here's What I Have Learned

I used to know someone who had an addictive personality.

He chose to deal with things by relying on something to ease the pain of life, depression, suicidal tendencies and while doing so, it helped him deal with my co-dependency.  We both were aware of his issues and I always thought I was the one to live with the burden of his addiction.  I felt so much love for him that I made his problems mine, because both of us took on each others pain, depression, etc.  In a healthy relationship, when one is down, the other is there to lift them back up and help them see things differently.  We did not function that way.  

I found myself so tired of taking on his emotions and trying to walk on egg shells to keep him from going over the edge.  Things that bothered me were not talked about, I learned to keep them in.  Too long of doing this causes resentment and detachment.

What I haven't mentioned is that, he never asked me to take these things on.  There is no fault or blame today.  I struggled silently with my own pain and depression and, unknowingly, my own co-dependency.  It's so much easier to avoid your own issues when you are so focused on making someone else better and then resenting them for their mistakes.

If you are like me and have misconceptions or are unsure of what it means to be codependent, let me give you it's meaning:

A codependent person is one who has let another
person's behavior affect him or her, and who is
 obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.




So all those times that I prided myself on being a caring, compassionate, empathetic person, I was taking it a little too far.  I worried so much about trying to do the right thing in my relationship and for my kids, that I just needed to step back and let the man that I still, to this day love, handle his own shit!




Friday, January 15, 2016

Article Share: 4 Reasons Honest Men Give To End It






Because I recently went through a divorce, I of course subscribed to all sorts of blogs and websites to help me through the pain that a break-up can cause.  With that, some articles that I have read are helpful and I thought I would share one that I read this evening.

It is from the website, Relationship Rules . The article is titled: 4 Reasons Honest Men Give To End It.  This is written by "A", one of the co-founders of the website.

This article spoke to me because it is about being with someone who chooses to be honest about their feelings, about why they feel their relationship is not working, and being a grown-up and facing uncomfortableness.  I believe that honesty is really the key point that I think too many people are afraid of.  It's easier to either sweep problems under the rug, avoid conflict or just continue to not be a happy person in the relationship.

Back to the article.  I feel these reasons are about the behavior in which an honest man displays, not necessarily the reason they give to their partner.

Reason #1 an honest man gives to end it: They want everything on the table.  "A" describes that part of this has to do with not placing blame on just one person and that if you talk about all issues, the couple will realize that it is just not "one person's fault".

Reason #2 an honest man gives to end it: They don't like the blame game. Accepting fault is a true quality of an honest man.  I agree with this statement.  SOME men live with blinders about how "wonderful" their relationship is, when all the while they are unhappy and are too afraid to admit it.  This might lead to conflict and having to face fears and issues.

Reason #3 an honest man gives to end it: They care for you to have closure.  "A" says that an honest guy will always have the guts to say goodbye and they will not just disappear from facing the problem. They would never leave you hanging in between thinking what went wrong and where.  Personally, I would have appreciated this happening in one of my relationship break-ups.  Instead, being left with anger and hurt and never getting to "hash" things out and "deal" with issues has left me angry.

Reason #4 an honest man gives to end it: They respect you, still. They will never disrespect the good memories you had by leaving like a coward or like someone who wanted to run away. They will respect the fact that there are a few explanations to be given and few to be listened to.  This is SPOT on!!!

Check out the article at Relationship Rules


Thursday, October 29, 2015

The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman

I am reading an interesting book that I have been meaning to read for the last few years.  I purchased it in hopes of learning more about relationships and to help me better understand exactly what makes me and others "tick".

Author, Gary Chapman, explains in his book that there are 5 Love Languages.  I have mentioned them below along with some of my own comments and insights:

  1. Words of Affirmation: People like to be complimented, praised and encouraged.  They like to hear kind words that help build them up and make them happy.  They don't like to hear demanding words.  Focus on how important words are.
  2. Quality Time: Loved ones enjoy spending time with each other.  They appreciate your full attention and interest.  They like to experience fun adventures or quiet times with you.  Dialogue is important to keep things interesting.
  3. Receiving Gifts:  Some people feel love when they are taken care of and given gifts.  Gifts can be visual symbols of love and show that someone was thinking of you.  This is derived from the marriage ceremony when rings are exchanged.  Some feel this act is very important.
  4. Acts of Service: Having someone do something that you would like them to do is another way of feeling loved.  Having a meal cooked, pants hemmed, laundry cleaned, are all examples of service.  Personally, I feel that this is most men.  Men like to be taken care of and this came from the care that was given to them by their mothers.  It's important to remember that requests give direction on how to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
  5. Physical Touch:  Touching is not limited to one localized are of the body.  Tiny tactile receptors are located throughout the body.  When those receptors are touched or pressed, nerves carry impulses to the brain.  The brain interprets these impulses and we perceive that the thing that touched us is warm or cold, hard or soft.  It causes pain or pleasure.  Some people feel love at the hands of another which is why some enjoy casual flings and one night stands.
I think that many people, like myself, feel loved with each of these languages and not just one.  However, there is usually one that is more important that another, and that is what should be focused on in your relationship.

What is your language of love?

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Part 2: Mini-Story: Heading For Trouble© - Written by Jennifer Dorsett



To read the first chapter of this mini-story, please click here: Part 1
 
Bo kept fiddling with his wedding ring.  Kate could not help but read into that.  Does he feel guilty for flirting?  Is he having impure thoughts about her?  Well, of course that is what she was hoping for!
 
“This ring belonged to my Dad, it’s even got his initials in it,” Bo whispered, as he caught Kate staring.  Kate nodded as if uninterested, but she was dying to know if it was now HIS wedding ring or if this meant he was not married.  She would have to find out, soon.

Lunch time came and the class was free to eat wherever they wanted as long as they made it back within the next hour.  Kate was excited to eat at her favorite Mexican food place nearby and mentioned it in passing to Bo.  She secretly hoped he would end up at the same restaurant, but an hour later, they both returned to the class separately.  It would have been nice if they had been able to slip away and have a flirtatious lunch that would lead to perhaps drinks later.  

Kate was brought back down to earth by the sound of the teacher starting class.  Three and a half more hours left of day one and Kate was ready for a nap, but looked forward to her afternoon next to Bo.

Bo found little ways to get Kate’s attention and make her smile.  He made subtle innuendos that were not so innocent and certainly not something a married man should be doing.  There was even a point where their hands brushed against one another, leading both of them to blush.  

Kate fantasized about all of the possibilities that this 4 day class, at a hotel, could bring.  Unfortunately, the hotel was local to all of them, so there was no need to stay the night.  Unless…..

Unless, after class, Bo hands her a room key and suggestively invites her up to his room.  Or, he leans over, and whispers in her ear, “I want you!” and they sneak out to the lobby and duck into a stairwell.  The fantasies must have gone on for a while, because Kate had no idea the class was wrapping up.

As they walked out, down the stairs and to the parking lot, they casually talked about their children, with no mention of spouses.  As they reached the outside, they parted ways with a wave and a “See you tomorrow”, in unison.

“Damn!” was all Kate could think.  This was nothing like her fantasies.

Later that evening, she decided to do a little internet stalking and attempted to find out more about Bo.  Because Bo announced that he was a semi-professional race car driver, she figured there would be no problem finding him on the web, even only knowing his first name.  After an hour, Kate realized it was not as easy as she had hoped.  She racked her brain, trying to remember where he said that he worked.  It was a big building down town, but that was all she knew.  Next, she started searching for high school baseball teams. 

She felt a little guilty and much like a pervert, however, Bo had mentioned that he was a volunteer coach at one of the area high schools.  How hard could it be to go to each sight and look at team photos, read stories, etc.  Surely, they would mention him and she would discover his last name.  No such luck!  Kate giggled at the thought of how she would appear to her friends if they ever found out about her stalking skills.  Not to mention how her ex-husband would feel if he knew she was pining over a married man.  After all, his infidelities within their marriage were hardly acceptable.

The morning was approaching quickly and Kate decided to end her pursuit.  She would have to find out more about Bo tomorrow.  Then she had a terrible thought, “What if we don’t get to sit by each other tomorrow?” Kate asked the question aloud, but knew that she would do everything in her power to spend more time with him, even if she had to get to class early.
 
 
Stay tuned for more of the short story, Heading For Trouble©, Written by Jennifer Dorsett.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Mini-Story: Heading For Trouble © - Written by Jennifer Dorsett







Kate was going to be late.  It seemed to be a habit that she had formed over the last several years.  To be early almost always seemed impossible.

She arrived at the class just in time to have the instructor turn and look at her with that irritated look of someone being interrupted mid-sentence.  Kate stood at the back of the room, as she evaluated her seating options.  The instructor said, "It looks like there are only seats available down here in the front".  Kate quickly chose the most available seat, which so happened to be at the very front of the room, facing the rest of the class and presenting her back to the instructor.  This was not going to be a good 32 hours.

After everyone introduced themselves and explained why they were attending the training seminar, Kate had her chance to move in between two people at a different table.  Now she could face the instructor.  Of course, the move did not go unnoticed by the disapproving glare the teacher gave her.

Kate was seated between a man to her right and a woman to her left.  The man to her right introduced himself, "Hi, I am Bo".  Bo spoke with a southern drawl and it was obvious he was a transplant from Texas.  He was quite handsome and when he smiled at Kate, she felt a fluttering in her chest.  Judging by the ring on his left hand, she did not want to encourage the flirtation, but dang it if he wasn't persuasive.

Throughout class, a bond began forming between Bo and Kate.  With the sideways glances, the deep, meaningful smiles and the gazes into one another's eyes that lasted a little too long, it was obvious there was something brewing.  

Kate had no memory of how to flirt.  Finding herself single, after 25 years of marriage, Kate felt nervous and awkward.  Bo had been the first guy who showed an interest in her since her divorce, 6 months ago. She decided to just be herself and go with it.  Why not have some fun over these next 3 days?  What could be the harm?  Bo was married.  Surely this was innocent banter.  Boy, did Kate have surprises in store for her.....

Stay tuned for more of the short story, Heading For Trouble©, Written by Jennifer Dorsett.





Saturday, September 26, 2015

Share: Great Article on Breaking Up

From The Change Blog

Writer Rachael Ann Mare writes about how a breakup taught her to relax and be herself.  I wanted to share this with you because I think it is a great story.  Although it has a happy ending, sometimes we don't get the girl/guy back.  Because I am going through a breakup, I found this very inspiring at least knowing that I WILL find "me".

I will share a few bits from the article.  You can read Rachael's story directly at: How A Breakup Taught Me To Relax And Be Myself


"..I thought I would be over it, or at least feel okay. I wasn’t, and I didn’t.  I had tried to be friends with him. I had tried to not be friends with him.  I cried a lot either way."


"When we first broke up, I spent an embarrassing amount of time reading Internet articles about how to get your ex back." 


"If I wanted him back, most of the books said, I couldn’t let him see how much I hurt. I had to be out there having a great time."


"I had this idea of how I was “supposed” to deal with the breakup “in order to” get him back, and it was killing me.  Instead of actually focusing on me, I let my wanting to control him—to make him come back—get the better of me, and I focused on him and how he was going to respond to what I was doing instead of on my own needs and feelings."

"I remembered all the things about our relationship that didn’t work for me.  I focused on work, on launching my blog and website and doing scads of writing, and I loved it.  I could never do all that while obsessing over his next move.  I stopped needing a relationship and started looking for someone who complemented my life."


~This is a good story, check it out: Go to The Change Blog to read

Friday, August 14, 2015

Repost: The VOW


I thought it fitting to repost this review from 2012 since I am watching the movie again, for the second time, years later.  Sadly, life does not seem to follow the movies and the guy does not always fight for the girl....


What a good movie this was!  

I had been looking forward to seeing this.  Not only because of the beautiful and great actors in the movie (Racheal McAdams & Channing Tatum) but because it was a love story.  Who DOESN'T love a good romance???


Boy meets girl.  Boy and girl fall in love.  They get married and have many good times and memories.  Boy shows his love for girl through out the movie and makes YOU fall in love with him (not to mention the nude scene - wink/wink).  Boy and girl get in a car accident.  Girl suffers memory loss of her last 5 years of being married to boy.  Next comes all of the laughter, tears, heartbreak, disappointment and so on when the two try to get back what they lost.

I give it a 4.5 stars!!! Go see it with someone you love.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

20 Things to Say to Encourage Your Wife (via Rachel Wojo)

In the last couple weeks, we’ve published two articles that so many readers have loved and are enjoying in practical meaningful ways. 20 Ways to Encourage Your Husband and 20 Ways to Encourage Your Children. As a result, I’ve had several requests…

20 Things to Say to Encourage Your Husband (via Rachel Wojo)

This post is part of the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE!   My husband is incredible- have I ever told you that? Truly, he is. And I…