Codependency - Here's What I Have Learned

I used to know someone who had an addictive personality.

He chose to deal with things by relying on something to ease the pain of life, depression, suicidal tendencies and while doing so, it helped him deal with my co-dependency.  We both were aware of his issues and I always thought I was the one to live with the burden of his addiction.  I felt so much love for him that I made his problems mine, because both of us took on each others pain, depression, etc.  In a healthy relationship, when one is down, the other is there to lift them back up and help them see things differently.  We did not function that way.  

I found myself so tired of taking on his emotions and trying to walk on egg shells to keep him from going over the edge.  Things that bothered me were not talked about, I learned to keep them in.  Too long of doing this causes resentment and detachment.

What I haven't mentioned is that, he never asked me to take these things on.  There is no fault or blame today.  I struggled silently with my own pain and depression and, unknowingly, my own co-dependency.  It's so much easier to avoid your own issues when you are so focused on making someone else better and then resenting them for their mistakes.

If you are like me and have misconceptions or are unsure of what it means to be codependent, let me give you it's meaning:

A codependent person is one who has let another

person's behavior affect him or her, and who is

 obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

So all those times that I prided myself on being a caring, compassionate, empathetic person, I was taking it a little too far.  I worried so much about trying to do the right thing in my relationship and for my kids, that I just needed to step back and let the man that I still, to this day love, handle his own shit!

Prescott, AZ

Beautiful Cherry Blossoms 

Great New Song - Burning House, CAM

"Burning House"

I had a dream about a burning house
You were stuck inside, I couldn't get you out
I laid beside you and pulled you close
And the two of us went up in smoke

Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong
I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone

I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right
I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house

See you at a party and you look the same
I could take you back but people don't ever change
Wish that we could go back in time
I'd be the one you thought you'd find

Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong
I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone

I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right
I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house

The flames are getting bigger now
In this burning house
I can hold on to you somehow
In this burning house
Oh, and I don't wanna wake up
In this burning house

And I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night
Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right
I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight
In this burning house

Article Share: 4 Reasons Honest Men Give To End It

Because I recently went through a divorce, I of course subscribed to all sorts of blogs and websites to help me through the pain that a break-up can cause.  With that, some articles that I have read are helpful and I thought I would share one that I read this evening.

It is from the website, Relationship Rules . The article is titled: 4 Reasons Honest Men Give To End It.  This is written by "A", one of the co-founders of the website.

This article spoke to me because it is about being with someone who chooses to be honest about their feelings, about why they feel their relationship is not working, and being a grown-up and facing uncomfortableness.  I believe that honesty is really the key point that I think too many people are afraid of.  It's easier to either sweep problems under the rug, avoid conflict or just continue to not be a happy person in the relationship.

Back to the article.  I feel these reasons are about the behavior in which an honest man displays, not necessarily the reason they give to their partner.

Reason #1 an honest man gives to end it: They want everything on the table.  "A" describes that part of this has to do with not placing blame on just one person and that if you talk about all issues, the couple will realize that it is just not "one person's fault".

Reason #2 an honest man gives to end it: They don't like the blame game. Accepting fault is a true quality of an honest man.  I agree with this statement.  SOME men live with blinders about how "wonderful" their relationship is, when all the while they are unhappy and are too afraid to admit it.  This might lead to conflict and having to face fears and issues.

Reason #3 an honest man gives to end it: They care for you to have closure.  "A" says that an honest guy will always have the guts to say goodbye and they will not just disappear from facing the problem. They would never leave you hanging in between thinking what went wrong and where.  Personally, I would have appreciated this happening in one of my relationship break-ups.  Instead, being left with anger and hurt and never getting to "hash" things out and "deal" with issues has left me angry.

Reason #4 an honest man gives to end it: They respect you, still. They will never disrespect the good memories you had by leaving like a coward or like someone who wanted to run away. They will respect the fact that there are a few explanations to be given and few to be listened to.  This is SPOT on!!!

Check out the article at Relationship Rules

Re-Post: I Am A Lane Blocker

As some of you may recall, I recently posted about teamwork and how I love to see people come together for a cause. Today's cause that I am excited to talk about is "lane blocking". What is lane blocking? It's something we all have either done or wished we had done when we get stuck in traffic. Let me paint the picture:

Here you are, tooling along on your way to work, making excellent time, thinking about how you will definitely be there before your boss today. The windows are rolled down, the birds are chirping, the air is crisp and refreshing, today is a good day. All of a sudden, you come to a complete stop. A stop that seems to last a lifetime. You try to see around the gigantic truck in front of you with no luck. You see the people in the lane to your right, flying by, as if they are privileged to not have to get stuck where you are. You think, "I want to be like them, I want to go!" No luck, they are driving as if they are in the Indy 500, not allowing you in, leaving you stuck with exhaust from the truck in front of you. So, you sit, and eventually are able to move forward. As you do this, you realize that your once excited, happy mood has been replaced by an anxious, frustrated one. "I am going to be SO late!", you think. As you move forward, you notice a merge sign up ahead, stating that everyone is merging into your lane. Now, I think you understand where I am going with this, right? The mean people, who flew by with no regard to anyone else, they saw this sign and knew that they would not wait as long as you. They wiggle their way into the front of the line, in front of everyone else who has waited their turn.

I don't know about you, but this really chaps my hide! But wait, there is a happy ending:

Take the above example, except I am the driver, stuck behind the truck. One day, I saw a woman in front of me start to head into that right lane, the one that was going to have to merge. As she attempted her journey, I thought, "Where is she going, doesn't she know that she is going to have to get over? Figures!" But to my surprise, she ended up sitting half way into the next lane, but just enough to ward off any passers. "Wow," I thought, "She is fighting back! She is the protector of all good and is here to help us!" I immediately put my car in the same position and noticed others following suit. At that time, I felt proud to be a part of such teamwork! And today, I was the fearless leader, watching others back me up. What a great feeling! Oh, by the way, I got to work before my boss.

Life Lessons From A Broken Heart

1. Don’t ignore the red flags or that “little voice”.

2. Sometimes love is not enough.

3. Two broken people do not a lasting relationship make.

4. Your rebound will not be your “forever”.

5. Walking on eggshells only puts off the inevitable.

6. Addiction is hard on loved ones.

7. Confrontation is not always a bad thing.

8. Honesty, trust and communication are all very important in a loving relationship.

9. Don’t settle for what you know is wrong for you.

10. Change is scary, but necessary to grow.

11. Pride is a stubborn thing.

12. Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing.

13. You can still be "you" when you are part of a “we”.

14. It’s okay to not always be “ok”.

15. If someone really wants something, they will fight for it. 

16. What is meant to be will be.

17. Don’t chase after ghosts.

18. You may forgive, but you will never forget.

19. You can’t take things back once they have been said and you can’t undo what’s been done.

20. You don’t always get a second chance.

That moment ~ 12/5/2015

When you share a "moment" with the man who holds your heart; the man you still love.


#break-ups